Day 17

Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

This is a tough one, seeing as how I mostly read YA fiction... But the one book that has changed my looks on life is "The man who loved clowns" It is about a man with down syndrome. I think that everyone should read this book. In the 2nd grade our teacher read it to us and I have loved the book ever since. 

Day 16

Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without. 

Something that I can totally live with out even though I think I cant is caffeine. I know that i can do it. Its just a hard thing to do. 

Day 15

Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

 Something I dont think that I could live without is caffienne. I am pretty sure that I would have  a heart attack! 


But a person that I wouldnt be able to live without aside from Kadence and Trevor is gonna have to be my bestfriend Kirstie. I have tried before and well to be honest life just sucked then! Of all of the people I know that lady gets me more than anyone else in the world including myself!!

This is a picture of us on her wedding day! I cried when she got married! 

 This one is from when we were 17!!

 
This is another from her wedding day. In this picture you have her husband (he is my man bestie) Kirstie and myself. These people are basically my lifeline and I would be epically lost with out them!

Day 14

Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I am supposed to write a letter to a hero that has let me down and to be honest I dont know if I can do that. The very first person that I saw as a hero that let me down was my mother. She was supposed to be the one that kept me safe and didnt.  A letter to her is to much for me to handle right now. 

Too Much to Handle anymore

Many people know that I have been fostering my nieces for about a month now.  Let me tell you something these girls are tough. They are 9 and 10 and they are waaaaaaaaaaay too much for me to handle I cant do it anymore. They cuss me out on a regular basis, they have taught Kadence to cuss at me. They hit me they hit my son. Now all of that is bad but has been dealt with. Molly understands that she needs to behave for me in order to be able to do anything. Emma though. Of Emma. she can be such a sweet child one second and then the devil the next! Emma tells me every day that she hates me and that she doesn't want to live with me. (i can deal with that) Emma had run away from me before because she was in trouble for hitting my son. That time I spent and hour chasing her down. But yesterday, yes yesterday Emma crossed every fucking line there ever was! Our days started out with poor little man screaming his head off because Emma's punk ass decided that it would be a good idea to wake him up by stomping  on his junk! OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS? Yeah so while i am trying to calm my poor little guy down Emma thinks that she is going to play the Wii.. Yah, Um no get off the Wii and get your ass in the corner! She then proceeds to throw a huge fit about it saying that she didst mean to step on him.. What ever whatever. I know she did. I heard her telling her sister that she was going to do. thus the reason I was the one who snatched her up when she did. any ways fast forward to about 4 ish. Trevor is at work and has been. I ask Emma if she has fed and watered the dog. she says no I ask her why she says because SHE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY! Um I'm sorry little girl last I checked you weren't my fucking responsibility and I still take care of you and feed you all the fucking. I then explained to Emma that if she doesn't go feed the dog like she was told she can go to bed right then and there she goes out to feed her and the dog MAGICALLY gets off her line. our dog is far from trained so of course she is running all over the damn yard. Emma tells me that Annie got off her line. i told her to put he back on it. She says OK.. About 10 minutes later she still isn't inside and molly has gone out to help her. I look out the window and that child is beating my dog with A FUCKING PVC PIPE!!! I fly out of the house and ask her WTF she was doing she then calmly explains to me that she is trying to get the dog all hyped up and that hitting her is OK because she is just a dog and it doesn't matter! LAST FUCKING STRAW RIGHT THERE!!!. I haul her ass inside and she is just there. she doesn't care. I tell her that she is done in my house and to go pack her stuff. she walks away calling me names whatever not a big deal at the moment. The worker was set to be at my house any time. i wait outside for her. she shows up and asks me what is going on so I tell her what has been happening. and all that jazz she then tried to tell me that it has just been a bad day and that the next day will be better. I lost it right there went all crazy white trash lady and screamed at her in my front yard. telling that I love these kids but I cant fucking do it anymore. they don't fucking listen they are putting to much stress on me. She finally agrees that she will find them another place. GREAT! fast forward to about 8 we are walking home from a friends house.. Emma then decides to runaway. I cant chase her because i have 2 other fucking kids with me. I get home and call the emergency line for the agency they are working with to let them know that this child has run away again! they tell me to call the cops and report it. Just as I am calling Emma is walked up by her aunt. Apparently she ran to their house and told her aunt and grandma that she left because I beating her!!!! OMFG REALLY CHILD REALLY? I calmly explain that no I haven't been beating her. and then tell Emma to go to bed. Which she is more than happy to do. FUCKING SHIT MAN! I cant do this anymore.

Day 13

Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

The first band that comes to mind is Something Corporate. But then if I think a little more I think to when my son passed away and the some that I listened to that got me was Avril Lavigne - gone. My now when I am having a bad day I listen to Adele...  So I am going to write to all of them. 

Dear Bands/Artists that have unknowingly helped me, 

Thank you so much for writing/singing the songs you do. I adore all of your music but certain songs mean certain things to me.  Thank you for all of your unknowing help. 

Megan

Just so everyone knows I just felt like a total ass hat writing that!  

Day 12

Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.

To be honest I cant really think of anything for this... I know that there has to be something but I cannot think of one single thing. People are pretty nice to me and I get compliment frequently. So for now I dont have anything to put for this so instead I am just going to show you guys a random picture from my computer. I am just going to pick one and add it.. :) 

 

Day 11

Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on

'

The thing that I am most complimented on is my eyes... sometimes my legs. but it is typically my eyeballs. They change color. they are technically hazel. but on some days they are green some days they are brown others they are an orange ish color they pretty much rock :) 

Marriage

Marriage.... 

Not really something that I ever thought I would want... I never wanted to be married... but then again I never wanted to have kids, settle down, or try to be a stay at home parent and here I am. I have more than settled down. I cant remember the last time I went out with just friends and no kids... And to be honest I am fine with it. I am happy. The happiest I have ever been. Trevor is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. He is just... amazing! I love him with everything in me, I have never felt like this with anyone else. We don't fight and if we do its not a big fight more so just a few angry sentences and we are done and sitting down talking it out. Anyways... Trevor and I were talking today and some how got on the subject of people getting married.. I jokingly asked him if he would marry me and he responded that we werent really in the position to be getting married right now.. (which is true) it kind of hurt my feelings... I have told him before that I am more than willing to spend my life with him but I dont want to get married.... and here I am telling him flat out that I want to marry him and he practically tells me no. I understand that we aren't in the right position to be getting married at the moment. but still. I know that he wasnt trying to hurt my feelings or anything like but it still kind of did... sigh... 

Day 10

Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

  

At this point in my life I cant think of anyone that i need to let go. I have done so much sweeping of my friends over the last 2 years that the only ones left are the ones that matter.... The last person to speak with me that I needed to let go/wish i didnt know was cayla... that is justin's on again off again girlfriend/fiance... And she was more than will to fuck off when asked.

Day 09

Day 09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

The first person that comes to mind when I think about this is my highschool sweetheart. We have known each other since the 7th grade. I transfered out of the school I met him at at the end of the year.  He moved in with his mom so he could go to school with me. :) we dated all through 8th grade and through most of highschool. After school though we slowly stopped seeing eachother as much. I was working full time ( i dropped out and got my GED at 17 and then went  into online college classes and worked full time to pay my rent and what nots) He was still at his moms not ready to grow up yet. We broke up on Valentines day. We swore we would still be friends and to an extent we still are. We talk about once a month but its normally just a quick text message conversation. 

Day 08

Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

The first person I think of when i read this is  not an ex or anything like that it is my mom. She has treated me worse than anyone else in the world has. There are things that she has done and allowed to happen that i will never forgive her for.  This is a picture of my mom and  I when I was pregnant with Kadence. That was teh only time in my life I can remember her wanting to help me when I needed help. A few weeks after this picture was taken my mom kicked me out. It was the middle of the winter I was pregnant didnt have a job and had no money. She kicked me out because her boyfriend at the time didnt like me.  I slept in my car that night. we lived in colony KS population 400. I didnt know anyone except my mom there. I will always love her because she is my mom but I dont htink that I can ever forgive her for the things that she did to me. 

Laharpe

Laharpe, ks is a tiny little town one of those where you better not blink or you might miss it. I lived there for 2 years. I made some of the best friends anyone could have. I also made a lot of memories. One of the best friends I have ever had was Morgan... Morgan died almost 4 years ago in a car accident. We were in Laharpe today and it brought back so many memories. It does every single time but this time was different. It was more than normal. Maybe it was because we drove past my old house and the first thing I remembered was that Morgan helped me paint my room apple red in that house because I loved that color. I miss him so much I wish more than anything in the world that I could see him again. I wish that I could just tell him that I miss him and that I hope he is ok. That I could really use him right now with everythign that is going on. I still call him sometimes. I will just randomly dial his number when something crazy has happened or I am upset. Any other time I cant remember his number but when I need him the most it is the first number I dial.

Day 07

Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for

My son has more than made my life worth living! He is everything to me! Before I had him I was a mess, I was drinking all the time and doing  drugs all the time. When I found out that I was pregnant I stopped doing everything! He makes it all worth it! 

Day 6

Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.

When I think of something i never want to have to do the first thing is I never want to be the one that is stuck with the decision to either pull the plug or not for a loved one. To be honest I dont think that I could handle that! It would drive me crazy!. 

Day 5

 My apologies everyone I spaced out doing this yesterday so here it is.

Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.

Something that I hope to do in my life is get married and have a family, I also want to have my own business. I want to open up a coffee shop/bakery. That has been my dream since I was a little girl.  I know that one day I will get married and it will be amazing! I cant wait for it! 

Day 04

Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for

Something that i have to forgive someone for is...

I need to forgive my mother for all the crap that she put me through while she has done alot of horrible things if it werent for her I wouldnt be who I am today! I wouldnt be where I am today.  

Day 3

Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for

  

Something that I need to forgive myself for is the death or my loved ones. I carry around a lot guilt from their deaths. 

The first one is my son Aiden, he passed away from S.I.D.S. when he was 19 days old . for the longest time I was convinced that if I had woke up just a little earlier he wouldnt have died because I would have woke him up sooner. There are days that  i still think that to myself. He would have been 5 on the 13th of august. I cant help but wonder what would have happened if I would have woke up just a little bit earlier, what would he be like. What would he look like. Would he have kept his bright red hair?? I miss him a lot. I know that I should blame myself for this but I still do . 

The second one is the death of my best friend Morgan. He died in a car accident. 10 minutes before morgan was in the wreck he called me because he had gotten into a fight with his dad. I didnt answer the phone when he called because I was fighting with my boyfriend at the time. I figured, I can call him back when we are done. When he did call him back i didnt get an answer. I jsut assumed that he was busy. The next morning I woke up to a text message saying that morgan died. I feel that if I would have just answered my phone he wouldnt have left his house because he would have been on the phone with me. 

 I know that there is/was nothing that I could do about either of these deaths but I cant help but feel responsible for them both. I hope that someday I wont feel this way about it. 

 

Day 2

Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.

Hmmm something that I love about myself and myself alone. 

I suppose it would have to be the fact that no matter how much I have going on I am always more than willing to help someone out in anyway that I can! I love to help people! I always have!  

30 days of truth challenge

So I am known for starting things like this and never doing them. But this time I am convinced that I am going to do this! It is going to happen. Below you will find the list for the 30 days of truth. Today I am going to do day one!

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.

This is a tough one. There are many many things that I don't particularly like about myself.   I hate that I am terrified of failure. and because of that I refuse to try anything to risky!I am so afraid that I am going to mess something up that I wont even try. i want to go back to school but I am terrified that I will fail out! I really wish I could just take the next step and do it. For years now anytime any of my relationships got serious I would freak out about it and be terrified that i was going to get super attached and then something would happened and i would get my heart broke so instead of waiting I would always just run. I am 22 I have been running since I was 15.... I hate that I bite my nails. I have tried so many things to stop but it seems that nothing has or will work. there are probably a few more things but I am done bashing myself for now. 

Here is the list 

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself  

Here we are...

Here we are at the start of yet another blog! maybe this time i will keep up with this one LOL I will most likely forget my URL again! Go figure! Any who here are the basics about me and mine.

I am Megan. The biotch that is going to try her hardest to keep up on this thing! I am Mommy to an awesome sauce 3 year old boy who on here will be called Kadence or 3yr old or sometimes douche waffle oh and occasionally stinky. I am fostering 2 of my nieces for now. They are currently both 9 their birthdays are super close but soon one will be 9 and one will be 10. any ways the younger girl that just turned 9 would be Emma also know as boo boo, the good one and the one that might turn out to be a stripper! The older of the girls is Molly, she will most likely be called the mouthy one, and Moll Moll... Then you have my amazing boyfriend who is only called that when i am not mad at him, His name is Trevor, but there are days that I will call him basically everything except his name, so just a heads up if you are reading this and you randomly see something that says "THAT DOUCHE WAFFLE..." It is most likely referring to him. He is also called SO, douche canoe, ass hat, jack wagon, the big stinky (I will eventually explain why the boys are called stinky)and so many more names. Last person in my house is CJ. He is our roommate. He is called either Cj or the room mate/roomie.

As we go I will introduce and explain names/people.

Today we are going to talk about things I never thought that I would have to say!

The first one happened yesterday. My son has a bunch of mosquito bites and he apparently has some on his ass because he was rubbing his ass on my foot saying "MOOOMMMM, Itch my butt!!" to which I responded with " NO! I will not itch your butt! Itch your own butt!!"

** never in my life did I ever think that I would have to say that I wouldn't itch someone else's but!**


Our next thing I never thought that I would say in my life...

Our family is NOT a morning type of family we are all grumpy and lazy all EXCEPT for Kadence.  Kadence loves the mornings that is when he is the perkiest! Kadence has this habit of telling me when he is going to the bathroom which is fine because if he is going to poop he needs the toilet paper that I refuse to leave in the bathroom because he will make the biggest fucking mess in the world. Well this morning Kadence tells me that he has to go pee so I tell him then go!. About ten minutes later I hear "MOOOOMMMMM! I need some paper towel" (toilet paper)(not sure why he calls it paper towel) So I yell back that I am getting it and to just wait. So there I am rushing to find the damn toilet paper that I cant remember to where I put and he yells " I will just wipe it on the towel!" omfg are you serious! I yell back "DO NOT WIPE YOUR BUTT ON THE TOWELS!!!!!!"  never in my life did I think that I would have to say that or anything close to that! what the hell is wrong with my child why would he ever think that it was OK to wipe his nasty little butt on the damn towels in the bathroom!

Till next time lovies


Megan