Monday, February 23, 2015

The loss of a loved one...

The world has suffered a tremendous loss... My husband grandma passed away. She was such an amazing lady. While this loss has directly affected me it has also stirred up some other locked away emotions.. The pain of losing another was a pain that I thought I had dealt with.. I was wrong. It was a huge flash back... We were sitting in the funeral home surrounded by things that one only looks at when they are planning a funeral or memorial service.. Things that I had not looked at in many many years.. I have actually only ever looked one time.. When I was planning my sons service.. While this time around was much different and I would like to think that i am more level headed now than I was back then it was still a very painful process. Not only because I was there listening in on such a painful thing for these people that I have unknowingly allowed so close to my heart but because to my surprise this lady that didn't really seem to care for me somehow managed to wiggle her way into a soft spot... Hearing of her death was not unexpected.. We knew that it was coming.. That did not stop me from stopping what I was doing, walking out to my car and bawling my eyes out... Death does that to people. It hurts.. A lot.. Anyways back to the funeral home, It was a bitter sweet moment, everyone was trying to keep everything light and easy going, I give them props for that because amazingly enough they were able to do that. While I was sitting there all I could think about was the last time I was in a funeral home helping plan a service, I was planning it for my child.. My son, the most important person to have ever entered my life.. It was a soul  crushing moment for me.. I remember exactly how short with me the funeral director was becuase I was only 17 and he still saw me as a child that shouldn't have any decisions... In reality though, I was a child, I was a child that had just lost her child.. The world is a cruel place... Imagine fighting your hardest to be able to keep what was rightfully yours only to have it taken from you when you least expect it... Now take that prized possesion of yours and turn it into a little baby boy with fair skin and reddish hair.. Life sucks and ya know what so does death... This whole process has been rough on everyone. It really has, I am not saying that it has been worse for me by all means I am just saying that it has phased me differently than the others. While i am mourning the loss of an amazing woman I am also being assaulted with re mourning my child. I flashed back to picking out everything for my sons services while we were in the funeral home. I flashed back to the viewing we had and then at the service today I broke down. I held so strong for so long I really thought that i was going to make it through the service with just a few tears streaming down my face.. I was so wrong... They played 3 songs during Grandma's service today, 2 songs I had never heard, they were beautiful even though I had never heard them and I could see them as something that she would have enjoyed.. They finished with Amazing Grace.. I played amazing grace at Aiden's funeral... It was one of the only songs I could play for him that would calm him down when he was upset.. I knew that this song was going to be played today.. I tried so hard to prepare myself for it... I was still not ready to hear it.. Within the first line I had tears streaming down my face. I remember Aiden's service as if it were yesterdday, I held up so well until they played amazing grace.. I lost it then as I did today.. Expect today I didn't have my two best friends on either side of me to comfort me.. One of them is living in another city and I havent talked to her in ages and the other one passed away 6 years ago.. Can you imagine going 6 years with absolutely no contact with your best friend in the whole world? 6 years without the amazing support of someone that just gets you? It is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.. Today hurt... It has hurt me more than anything has in a really long time. I remember now why I stopped going to funerals... I just can't take the pain.

After Aiden passed everyone kept telling me to turn to God, pray to him and that he would take care of me... Little did they know, I had actually already done that. I drove myself to the church in the pouring rain and called out to whoever was out there, I asked for answers or a sign of some sort that everything would be ok. I never got an answer, in fact all I got was a cold from being in the rain. My heart is still heavy from the loss of my child. It still pains me to talk about it. I still cry from time to time just because I have had a bad day and he is all I can think about. There is so much death in my life, all of it is just to much to handle at once. It has been spread out over the years but it honestly feels as though it has been one right after another.

I am tired of hurting and I have no idea what to do about it anymore.