Day 3

Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for

  

Something that I need to forgive myself for is the death or my loved ones. I carry around a lot guilt from their deaths. 

The first one is my son Aiden, he passed away from S.I.D.S. when he was 19 days old . for the longest time I was convinced that if I had woke up just a little earlier he wouldnt have died because I would have woke him up sooner. There are days that  i still think that to myself. He would have been 5 on the 13th of august. I cant help but wonder what would have happened if I would have woke up just a little bit earlier, what would he be like. What would he look like. Would he have kept his bright red hair?? I miss him a lot. I know that I should blame myself for this but I still do . 

The second one is the death of my best friend Morgan. He died in a car accident. 10 minutes before morgan was in the wreck he called me because he had gotten into a fight with his dad. I didnt answer the phone when he called because I was fighting with my boyfriend at the time. I figured, I can call him back when we are done. When he did call him back i didnt get an answer. I jsut assumed that he was busy. The next morning I woke up to a text message saying that morgan died. I feel that if I would have just answered my phone he wouldnt have left his house because he would have been on the phone with me. 

 I know that there is/was nothing that I could do about either of these deaths but I cant help but feel responsible for them both. I hope that someday I wont feel this way about it.